Trauma is one of those words that means different things to different people. A friend of mine says “To a 3 year old, losing a balloon can be trauma.” Let’s face it, what is trauma to one is not to another and it’s not ours to judge.
I share the above because I want you to be comfortable naming the things that have impacted your nervous system and cause you to have trauma triggers. When you can name them, you can see them, work with them, release them and free them.
Recently, I had some young trauma rear up.
We’d just ended a Dr. appointment for my husband who has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. We were in the parking lot about to get in separate cars to go about our day.
Well, I guess this is it.” he said.
I laughed- but had alarm bells ringing- and said “That’s quite a way to say goodbye for the day”. We hugged, kissed and got into our cars. I could feel my body reacting to his words.
“Well, I guess this is it”
I heard it all day. It played in my mind all day. What if this was a message? What if his soul knew he was leaving that day? What if that was his message and a way of letting me go. What if he was going to die that day in some way? What I didn’t realize was happening in that moment was trauma from my youth about men who were there one moment and gone the next.
All day long this took up space at the same time my rational mind told me I was spiraling in an unhealthy way.
Fast forward to 5:30. I’m prepping dinner and he’s still not home. He doesn’t have a set schedule so he can be home at 3, 4:15, 5 etc. Normally he’s through the door by 5 or 5:30.
It’s 5:35. “Well, I guess that’s it.” My brain says.
Is he ok? Do I text him?
No- don’t text. I don’t want him to pick up his phone while he’s driving.
“Well I guess that’s it.”
Will the police come to the door to tell me something’s happened to him?
Stop it. It was just something he said.
5:38. “Well, I guess this is it” Shit. My kitchen isn’t clean. If something has happened, I don’t want anyone here. Who would I call first to let them know. Will his phone be destroyed in the accident? How will I find the numbers for people I need to call?
Stop it. It was just saying!!! What are you thinking? What are you doing to yourself? (Notice that the words I was saying to myself were not loving and comforting words. They were also words from my youth. Words that didn’t allow for me to have or express emotion. This is another form of trauma to the system.)
5:42. “Well, I guess this is it” Where the fuck is he? Why isn’t he home? I know my family will want to come down as soon as they hear. Will I be able to call and tell them? Will I need to text? What will I say? Seriously- I can’t have anyone come to the house tonight. I’ll need to wait so I can clean up this kitchen and put things away.
Yvette. You need to stop this. He will be home. He went into the office later because of the doctor’s appointment. He’s fine. It was just something that slipped out of his mouth. It was not a message. It was not a sign. Breathe.
5:47: I hear the garage door opening. The tension drains and my eyes fill with tears. “He’s Ok”
This is how trauma- with a little t- can unfold years later.
At the age of four my father and mother separated- he walked away.
At the age of 7 a man, who was like a father to me, moved out during the weekend when my sister and I were with our grandmother.
These are just a couple of the men who walked away that set the stage for my anxiety around men leaving.
“Well, I guess this is it.”
It triggered my little girl who is always on alert that someone will disappear; especially men.
It was good for me to see that this hadn’t been fully released yet. After this, I was able to do work to release the pain and comfort my little girl. Does this mean that this won’t rear up again? Nope. I have no guarantees about this. What I do know is this time I went through it alone. Next time I hope I reach out to someone in my healing circle so I can stop the cycle and sooth my system earlier.
